Dear House of Representatives, You need a spanking.

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Dear House of Representatives,

You need a spanking. 

     You are acting like a petulant, spoiled little brat that is throwing a tantrum because you're not getting your way. Back in the day, do you know what my mother did when I acted like that in public? She would pull me aside, look me in my pouty little face and say quietly but oh so intensely, "Do I need to embarrass you?" And those six words were always enough to make me shut up and behave myself, because I knew that if I didn't, I was going to get a spanking, it was going to hurt, and everyone was going to see.

     House, you are not only long overdue for your public spanking, but even without it, you are somehow managing to embarrass yourselves. Do you think anyone in the American public views your political hissy fit as representative of what the American People want? Do you think we view your so-called showdown as anything other than obstructionist, uncooperative, and detrimental to the already-struggling US economy? I vote that when you're through causing the government to shutdown, your pay be docked and distributed to those now on furlough, thanks to you, to make up for their lost income.

     House, it's time to take a cue from Walter White and finally be honest with yourselves. A) You lost. Even the Supreme Court said so. Pack it in, and move on. B) You don't care about the welfare of the American people; you never did. You don't even really care about the survival of your precious, yet quickly-evaporating American middle class. All you care about, all you have ever cared about, you scrum of depraved lunatics, is keeping this president from succeeding. That's all. That has been your one, true, thinly-veiled goal.

     I don't care how conservative or liberal you are, but I know that if, before Obamacare, you couldn't get health insurance because of your diabetes, your lupus, or your bipolar disorder, and now you can, you are now better off. And you can thank this president and his administration for that. And I know that if your newly graduated 22 year-old is having trouble finding a decent full-time job with benefits in this crap-tastic economy, you can thank the big scary black guy in the White House for making sure that she can stay on your insurance for four more potentially life-saving years.

     Hey House, it's time to get your collective heads out of your collective rear ends. Because while you continue to get paid to flail around, hold your breath, and wail on the floor of Capitol Hill, you're cutting into the pay and well-being of thousands of simple public servants who are just trying to pay their mortgages, pay down credit cards, and get their kids through school. If that means anything to you. Which, we've established, it doesn't. All because - and let's be real - you're uncomfortable, probably for some reasons on which I could speculate, with the man in the White House who, despite your temper tantrum, and your insistence that he's some terrorist-Muslim-communist uber-villain amalgam, is just trying to get. Things. Done.

     Do we, the American people, need to embarrass you? Because, come mid-term elections, we so will.